If I were human
by EmmettMonkeyMan
Summary: "I felt them behind me; Carlisle still breathing serenely as though he hadn't a second thought of it. Esme, less trained than Carlisle, remained quiet – her lungs refusing to take any air, refusing to breathe. I waited for one of them to speak, but neither did." Rosalie opens up to Esme and Carlisle about the night Royce took her innocence and ended her human life forever.


Summary: Rosalie opens up to Esme and Carlisle about the night Royce took her innocence and ended her human life forever.

Dedicated to those who still remain strong fans of twilight and those who see behind Rose's strong demeanor :)

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Wednesday the 4th of June

My dear beloved Emmett had gone out hunting with his brother Jasper and sister Alice. Edward was over at the human's house, probably complying to her every command. Therefore, the large mansion was peacefully quiet.

Although unnecessary, I heard Esme take a deep breath in from where she stood in the kitchen. We often took breaths, even when we weren't around human company, because it made us feel that little bit more normal.

Carlisle was breathing peacefully from behind the doors of his office and I waited until Esme went to join him before I moved out of my bedroom and took position on the balcony.

It was a warm summer evening, the breeze was minimal and I listened carefully to the river flowing in the distance and the sounds of animals passing through the underbrush.

The air reminded me of a night when I was human. Oh, how I longed to be able to feel that way again. Although hazy and minimal, I remembered my time as a human more so than the rest of the family. My life had been near perfect. I was just happy in the knowledge that I was Rosalie Hale, and that I was beautiful. All I wanted was to be married, with a nice house, and a husband to kiss me when he came home. A family of my own.

I whimpered softly, although I couldn't cry, at the sheer thought of all that I could've had. All that I thought I was so close to achieving before my entire world was ripped out from beneath me.

Carlisle stirred from inside his office, his skin brushing against Esme's as they took each other's hands and made their way along the hallway and out onto the balcony.

I felt them behind me; Carlisle was still breathing serenely as though he hadn't a second thought of it. Esme, less trained than Carlisle, remained quiet – her lungs refusing to take any air, refusing to breathe.

I waited for one of them to speak, but neither did. "Yes?" I asked, refusing to turn my head and gaze at my adopted vampire parents. My voice was quieter, and sounded conceivably broken. I cleared my throat after another stint of silence and bowed my body to appraise them.

Carlisle had tilted his head to the side and his expression shifted slightly to one of mild curiosity. "Are you alright, dear?"

If I had been human, my throat would've swelled at the concern they both portrayed. While silent, my whimper had not been overlooked. "Yes, thank you. I'm fine. I was just thinking about my human life."

Esme took a tenuous step forwards as though I may reject her concern. I frequently did, so I wasn't surprised that she was being vigilant. Esme, also, had very few recollections of her human life, but the memories she did have were unpleasant. But then again, if it had portrayed a happy ending, we all would be under gravestones now. "Would you like to talk about it, darling?" It was though Esme thought she by now knew the answer. As she spoke her words, she turned back to Carlisle, casing her arms around his waist and guiding him through the glass door to give me time alone.

Surprising all of us, I followed them into the bedroom and delicately collapsed onto the bed. "I would."

Esme beamed, removing herself from her husband and settling down alongside me. Her cold, petite hands reached to enfold around mine and I felt another whimper growing. I had, under no circumstances, felt such parental affection. Not during my human life and not as my time as a vampire either. When I first changed, I was so vain and undoubtedly unpleasant that I just pushed everyone way. No person other than Emmett had ever got given the opportunity to present kind words or give me physical comforts. Erroneously, everyone had supposed that I had recovered from my human tribulation because I had found Emmett, when in reality all this time I needed more comfort.

Carlisle took a steadying, profound breath and took to the other side of me, resting his large hand on my leg in an act of support. "Go ahead, dear. I can see that you are upset. It is significant to be sincere and converse your mind about what you are thinking and feeling."

"I'd like to tell you my story." I murmured, drawing in a superfluous breath of my own as though it would prepare myself for the circumstances. The only person who I had told the full story to was Emmett; who put up with me endless of nights to try and ease the fear of my past. Of course, Carlisle knew of it to extent as he had saved me, but he had not relived the horror of my thoughts and feelings nor saw what my life was like beforehand. Edward could only sit and revive the past with me through my thoughts, to which even he had his limits. Immeasurable amounts of times I covered my mind with distractions for him so he wouldn't truly see what I was thinking.

Esme felt the sobs rise in my throat instantaneously and pressed my head to her chest. "Go ahead, Rose."

"It was March, 1933." I began. "I was 18; I had everything on my shoulders. It was a warm day and in the morning my mother had me dress up so I could deliver father's forgotten lunch to his job at the bank. She hoped that the son of the bank's owner would take more interest in I and it worked. Royce King II sent me roses after telling me my eyes were like violets. I realize now that our relationship was solely based on physical attraction; nothing more and nothing less. In April, we got in engaged and shortly before the wedding, I left home to visit my good friend, Vera. I envied her baby boy; beautiful dark, black curls, bright blue eyes. I wanted that for Royce and I." I trembled, pulling my arms around myself as my vampire parents held me close.

"Do not continue if you are uncomfortable." Carlisle told me, brushing a small venom tear from my eye.

"I want to." Focusing on the trees through the open door and my needless forces of breath, I continued. "When Vera's husband arrived home and kissed her on the lips, I finally noticed the lack of love in my relationship with Royce that was so obvious in Vera's. I left late and the air had grown surprisingly cold. I pulled my coat tighter around me, shaken by the thoughts about my loveless relationship. I made the biggest mistake in my life then." My fingers tightened around Esme's and if she were human I was sure I would've broken her bones.

"I stumbled across my drunken fiancé and his equally drunk pals; Royce bragged about my beauty. I felt disgusted. My beauty was for Royce only. His drunken friends laughed and I felt true fear. 'Isn't she lovely?' He'd slurred in that drunken voice. I told him I would see him in the morning; when he was sober. Before I could leave, he pulled me by the chin, trying to disengage my coat from behind. There was no way I could've escaped. 'Why don't we take off a few layers?' he'd suggested. I'd begged him to stop, to no avail. After taking everything I had, after leaving their hands marked upon my body, they left me naked in the street; thinking I was dead."

I looked up at Carlisle now, watched as his eyes turned sad. "Then you found me; having been attracted to the site by the scent of my blood. The rest from there is obvious." I murmured.

"Dear," Esme started, turning me around by the shoulder's now to look into my eyes. She brushed back a link of blond locks from my face and gave a trembling smile. "Although we know what happened from there, you blocked us out so much in the early days we do understand how you managed to cope."

"I felt anger." I admitted quietly, fearful that my adoptive parents would hate me for that. "I was selfish and vain and exceedingly bothered by the superior beauty that you guys and Edward all carried. I was angry at Royce for taking my happiness and I was irate at Carlisle for saving me when I should've been dead. I was more often than not angry because Carlisle had turned me into a vampire - a monster – who couldn't conceive children. I came to terms later on that I wouldn't be able to have children when I was dead also, so either way I was doomed."

"Oh, dear." Esme pulled me onto her lap and patted my hair sympathetically. "I always felt your beauty was superior to mine!" She laughed at that. "You were beautiful even during your transformation and I knew that anyone would be lucky to become your mate. I feared you would reject Edward; and that you did. I see now that trying to force the pair of you together was unkind of Carlisle and I."

"Things got much better when I found Emmett." I told them honestly. "Before that, I felt like I was intruding on a family who already had everything they needed. When I found Emmett – a spitting image of Vera's little boy, although I know not the same one – I just had to save him. When Carlisle changed him for me, I'd never been more grateful. I couldn't express it, and having Emmett blocked everything else out. I was able to focus on actual love; love that I had never once felt with Royce. I felt I was healing and life was brilliant. But then I had to sit back and watch as Alice and Jasper found their way to us, and now Bella."

"What do you feel about Bella?" Carlisle asked me; aware that I wasn't particularly pleasant to her and seeking to learn why.

"She thinks I hate her." I pushed myself deeper in to Esme. I was ashamed that I was back to being callous but being around another human who was a comparable age to myself when I lost everything enthused too many heartbroken memories. "But she has it wrong. I don't hate her. I envy her."

"How so?" Esme was clearly surprised. She soothed me as sobs unconfined through my mouth and I lay back against the sheets.

"She has a choice about becoming a vampire. I didn't. None of us did. But she does and she's choosing wrong. We'll always be this – frozen, never moving forward. That's what I miss the most. The possibilities. Not knowing how you were going to change and what was going to happen. There was always something to be excited about. And she just looks at Edward and decides she wants to be one of us. How can she just throw her human life away like that when she could grow old, get married and have children? I always wanted that. I've always imagined growing old; sitting on a front porch somewhere; Emmett gray haired by my side, surrounded by our grandchildren."

"That's what you want, Rosalie." Esme admitted cautiously as though preparing herself for an anger eruption on my part. "Bella has her own plans and goals. I am sure Edward will speak to her and make sure she is 100% positive beforehand."

I sighed. I couldn't dispute with Esme. Bella was human and I still believed she was throwing everything she had away but I had to try and acknowledge her whatever her pronouncement.

I sat up and wiped the lingering venom tears from under my eyes. I was feeling much better now that I had managed to productively relive my human memories and I hoped that my vampire parents would support me if I ever required talking to them in the future.

Carlisle pulled me into his arms so that my chin was resting on his shoulder as Esme came around the front of us so that her chest was pressing against my back. I felt the smooth breeze as she whispered, "I love you." against my hair.

"I love you, too. Both of you." I murmured; a smile on my lips as I encased them both.

In the silence, a small tune emerged from Carlisle's lips and I smiled, contented. I became incredibly more grateful when Esme's soulful voice joined his; the music lulling me into a sense of relaxation I could only imagine sleep to be if I were human.


End file.
